Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Back scratches. Led Zeppelin. Puppies. College success. What do these things all have in common? They are all so totally overrated. Let’s just think about this logically:
Cookie dough and ice cream, together—why overdo the yumminess?
Relieving itchiness with the appropriate application of friction—a pointless endeavor, really. You’ll probably just get itchy again anyway.
The combination of intelligent lyrics, soaring vocals, and insanely original guitar riffs—like, aren’t you just so over it?
Furry bundles of happiness—can you say, “ew”?
And finally, feeling satisfied and fulfilled on a daily basis while you learn, grow, and change by succeeding in college—I mean, really, let’s not be ridiculous.
You don’t want to learn how to succeed in college. You know better than that! You, my friend, are looking to be miserable at college, and if there’s anything I know about in my plain ice cream, itchy, silent, puppy-less life, it’s how to be miserable. Here are some tips to help you become just as miserable as I am while you trudge your way through college.
1. Study, study, then study some more.
School is about learning, right? Well, hop to it, pal! The only way to attain college success is to make a 200% commitment to getting good grades. Your roommate wants you to come out for dinner? No way! You get invited to a party? Don’t even think about it! You have the urge to watch a movie? Tough luck, bud! You’re trying to be miserable, and one of the best ways to do that is to remove the concept of “balance” entirely from your student life. Place your entire self-worth on your academic college success, and I guarantee you’ll be miserable in two weeks flat.
2. Party like a rock star.
If dedicating your entire existence to academics isn’t enough to make you miserable, consider doing exactly the opposite. You’re not looking to learn how to succeed in college—or in life, for that matter—so don’t bother pretending that you care about assigned reading, attending class, or even sleeping like a normal human. You’re only young once, so now is the time to be intentionally irresponsible. Party enough to make yourself feel like the student loan you took out has gone completely to waste, and then think about how long it will take you to repay that wasted investment. Consider your transition to utter misery complete.
3. Take classes you hate.
You know what’s way cooler than being a happy history major? Why, being a miserable biology major, of course. Since you’re not looking to learn how to succeed in college, I advise you to take only classes in which you have no interest. When I think of students who haven’t attained college success, the first people who come to mind are the aspiring doctors whose parents chose their majors for them. They had no hope of making it through their undergrads, let alone completing medical degrees, and they knew it. They were much more miserable than the people who were actually getting something out of their post-secondary educations, so I encourage you to emulate them in your quest for college misery.
4. Don’t try to make friends.
You already have lots of friends, and you want new ones about as badly as you want college success. Who has time to meet new people or to try new things? Sure, this is going to be the only time in your life when you’re literally surrounded by thousands of people who are very qualified to be your friends. You’re all around the same age, you’re all dealing with similar issues, and many of you probably share common interests. If you were looking to be happy, you would totally take advantage of your situation and develop relationships with new people. However, because you scorn happiness and all those who strive for it, you’ll be much better off clinging to high school friendships with people who live in different cities, states, or maybe even countries. Those unsatisfying relationships will be sure to keep you good and miserable.
5. Transform your dorm room into a cozy cocoon, and make darn sure that you never become a butterfly.
Your bedroom should be your sanctuary. This is where you will study, sleep off that wicked hangover, or just avoid other people. If you make your dorm room comfy enough, you’ll never have much reason to leave. You can’t possibly achieve college success or general life satisfaction from the safety of your room, which is why your room is where you must stay. Don’t join any clubs, don’t sit on any councils, and certainly don’t consider spending time in public places unless absolutely necessary. You might experience growth, and self-development is certainly the very last thing you want in your quest to be miserable at college.
There you have it: a complete guide to post-secondary misery. Personally, I think that aiming for unhappiness is the smartest way to approach college. After all, you can’t be disappointed if you never have any hope to begin with, right? However, if you give the misery thing a go and realize it’s not exactly your cup of tea, you may consider checking out some of Inklyo’s other resources for students who actually want to know how to succeed in college. You know, it’s good to have a back-up plan.
Image source: Pavan Trikutam/Stocksnap.io, Unsplash.com, kaboompics.com